How many people scrambled to come up with a New Year’s resolution last night? I for one, did not. I decided long ago that if there was something I wanted to change, I didn’t need an “occasion” for it. This past year I have struggled with the expectations I have of the people in my life. In other words, I don’t want to have any. No matter the strength or length of the relationship, I am more often than not, let down. I am certain that I have also let my peeps down and been placed on someone’s shit list. I’m really striving to be the best me I can be and I just want to be loved for who I am, regardless of my short comings.
When I was dating I often heard and uttered the words “I just want someone to love me for who I am”. Yet it seems when it comes to dating, we become more of what we think other people will like. We’re on our best behavior, wearing our best outfits and minding our manners. We say we like food we don’t, fudge the amount of exercise we do, and tell people it’s really not weird that they enjoy eating chalk.
How wonderfully refreshing would it be to throw caution to the wind, and be 100% yourself on a date. You could show up in your sweats and favorite holey t-shirt with bra optional. Guys could show up in baggy shorts with their favorite “Mount and Dew Me” shirts, can eat with their fingers and fart whenever inspired. A dude could tell his date that he won’t be seeing her again because her boobs are too small and you saw a picture of her sister, and thought she was hotter. Gals could tell a fellow they really don’t make enough money and that Red Lobster is not a classy date. I know you’re imagining it right now and kind of giggling to yourself…I am too.
I realize this is just a mere fantasy and will never, in any way, ever be a reality. Let’s face it…with beer goggles everyone may be prettier at closing time but, the morning after is always a shock. Cheers!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Really?
My darling gal pal Macey took a short break from dating and I inadvertently took one from blogging…shame on me.
Macey is back on the fast track to finding love or as I like to call it, House of Internet Horror. What the French is wrong with people?! There always seem to be a few idiots that have to send crude responses to personal ads and it really chaps my hide. Some people are truly looking for someone to give their hearts to and these idiots feel the need to be sexually and often explicitly nauseating. Take your hand out of your pants, go upstairs (because we all know you still live in your parent’s basement), ask Mommy if you can borrow $20 bucks and go get a hooker to blow you. Seriously, you are all a bunch morons and should never be allowed access to any kind of electronic device.
I have been trying to help Macey weed through all of her many potential suitors, and it’s not always pretty. There are a few things (there are actually many, many things but we don’t have time for them all) that continue to befuddle and amuse me at the same time. Here they are in no certain order;
Why do men post/send pictures with other women in them? I especially like the ones where it is painfully obvious you tried to cut/crop/Photoshop the other woman out. The pictures are not in Braille, we can actually see other parts of the person.
My other favorite photo blunder is the self-portrait. If you are going to take a picture with your webcam, could you back up a little? Why are you taking a picture of yourself in a mirror? Can’t you call a friend to help you out? A half-naked picture, really? Please, for the love of God, put your friggin shirt back on.
If you have the San Quentin look? I am going to ascertain you have been to prison and I am usually going to be correct.
There is this incredible new invention and it’s called Spell Check, have you heard of it? I didn’t think so.
If ur 2 lazy 2 type a full word, what would make me want to consider going out with you?
Neither Macey nor I need or want to know about your supposed sexual prowess. Just because your sister says you are a great kisser, doesn’t make it so.
Please give me longer than 5 minutes to reply to you. Sending me multiple emails asking why I haven’t responded isn’t going to endear you to me. Patience is a virtue, or so I am told.
I have to give Macey mad props for hanging in there and fighting the good fight. There is a lid for every pot and I am going to hang in there with you, no matter how long it takes.
Macey is back on the fast track to finding love or as I like to call it, House of Internet Horror. What the French is wrong with people?! There always seem to be a few idiots that have to send crude responses to personal ads and it really chaps my hide. Some people are truly looking for someone to give their hearts to and these idiots feel the need to be sexually and often explicitly nauseating. Take your hand out of your pants, go upstairs (because we all know you still live in your parent’s basement), ask Mommy if you can borrow $20 bucks and go get a hooker to blow you. Seriously, you are all a bunch morons and should never be allowed access to any kind of electronic device.
I have been trying to help Macey weed through all of her many potential suitors, and it’s not always pretty. There are a few things (there are actually many, many things but we don’t have time for them all) that continue to befuddle and amuse me at the same time. Here they are in no certain order;
Why do men post/send pictures with other women in them? I especially like the ones where it is painfully obvious you tried to cut/crop/Photoshop the other woman out. The pictures are not in Braille, we can actually see other parts of the person.
My other favorite photo blunder is the self-portrait. If you are going to take a picture with your webcam, could you back up a little? Why are you taking a picture of yourself in a mirror? Can’t you call a friend to help you out? A half-naked picture, really? Please, for the love of God, put your friggin shirt back on.
If you have the San Quentin look? I am going to ascertain you have been to prison and I am usually going to be correct.
There is this incredible new invention and it’s called Spell Check, have you heard of it? I didn’t think so.
If ur 2 lazy 2 type a full word, what would make me want to consider going out with you?
Neither Macey nor I need or want to know about your supposed sexual prowess. Just because your sister says you are a great kisser, doesn’t make it so.
Please give me longer than 5 minutes to reply to you. Sending me multiple emails asking why I haven’t responded isn’t going to endear you to me. Patience is a virtue, or so I am told.
I have to give Macey mad props for hanging in there and fighting the good fight. There is a lid for every pot and I am going to hang in there with you, no matter how long it takes.
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Grass Is Always Greener
When I think of ever having to be single again, it makes me want to projectile vomit. If this horrific situation were to ever happen, I would have to make a trek to the nunnery and pledge my allegiance…or whatever they do. If the nuns didn’t want me (and who could blame them), I would most certainly become the weird lady with 85 cats and a closet full of housecoats.
I know there are people walking around professing that they love being single and that they choose to be solitary. I think these people are full of poop and just say this to feel better about themselves. People remain single for many reasons; career, children, a long prison sentence, or that pesky ankle bracelet. You are not choosing to be single; you are choosing to make other things your priority. Dating is a full time, labor intensive job that can make the strongest individual cower in the fetal position. I do not ever want to waste another minute of my life, waiting for the phone to ring. I wouldn’t want to spend one more second worrying about why he didn’t call. I could not bring myself to condemn my actions or lack of judgment one more time.
I know myself so much better than I did 10 years ago. I know what I want, who I want to be around, what is important and what is too trivial to bother with. I also know what I am willing to put up with and what I am no longer letting into my life. I would be a different dater now for sure.
They say the grass is always greener on the other side. I love my grass the way it is, with my husband mowing it.
I know there are people walking around professing that they love being single and that they choose to be solitary. I think these people are full of poop and just say this to feel better about themselves. People remain single for many reasons; career, children, a long prison sentence, or that pesky ankle bracelet. You are not choosing to be single; you are choosing to make other things your priority. Dating is a full time, labor intensive job that can make the strongest individual cower in the fetal position. I do not ever want to waste another minute of my life, waiting for the phone to ring. I wouldn’t want to spend one more second worrying about why he didn’t call. I could not bring myself to condemn my actions or lack of judgment one more time.
I know myself so much better than I did 10 years ago. I know what I want, who I want to be around, what is important and what is too trivial to bother with. I also know what I am willing to put up with and what I am no longer letting into my life. I would be a different dater now for sure.
They say the grass is always greener on the other side. I love my grass the way it is, with my husband mowing it.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Do-Se-Do
This past weekend I watched the movie Crazy Heart with Jeff Bridges. In a nutshell it’s about a used to be famous Country and Western singer, who loses his way. It got me thinking about my time in the Country and Western world.
From 1987 to 1993 I lived in Minnesota. I left California a straight hair, Levi wearing, pop music girl and returned a blondish, permed, cowboy boot wearing, country girl. I fully learned how to cowboy up. There were a lot of firsts for me in the Great Frozen Tundra. First pair of boots, first pair of Wranglers so tight underwear was not optional and the first of many, many perms. The first time I fell in love, had sex (sorry if my brother is reading this) learned to line dance and two step. I was just shy of 20 and I was ready to rumble.
Looking back I remember how much easier dating was back then. There was no mass technology and the only way a date could be made was over the phone or in person. You didn’t put someone’s number in your Blackberry, you actually had to use skills you had acquired in school and…gasp…write it on a piece of paper or cocktail napkin. This was a time before the 3 day “rule” and a precursor to being a “playa”. Men and women went on dates and actually started relationships. A computer was still something that you only used at work and a pager was high tech. I don’t remember being really interested in a relationship or shacking up. I had a great group of friends, ran wild and enjoyed every minute of it.
I of course had no idea that 10 years later I would be trying to find love on the Internet. I could not fathom how hard it would be to find a genuine person or the degrees of change in dating. The 80’s and early 90’s may have been a terrible time in sense of fashion and hair but, things were much less convoluted.
I miss the days of simplicity.
From 1987 to 1993 I lived in Minnesota. I left California a straight hair, Levi wearing, pop music girl and returned a blondish, permed, cowboy boot wearing, country girl. I fully learned how to cowboy up. There were a lot of firsts for me in the Great Frozen Tundra. First pair of boots, first pair of Wranglers so tight underwear was not optional and the first of many, many perms. The first time I fell in love, had sex (sorry if my brother is reading this) learned to line dance and two step. I was just shy of 20 and I was ready to rumble.
Looking back I remember how much easier dating was back then. There was no mass technology and the only way a date could be made was over the phone or in person. You didn’t put someone’s number in your Blackberry, you actually had to use skills you had acquired in school and…gasp…write it on a piece of paper or cocktail napkin. This was a time before the 3 day “rule” and a precursor to being a “playa”. Men and women went on dates and actually started relationships. A computer was still something that you only used at work and a pager was high tech. I don’t remember being really interested in a relationship or shacking up. I had a great group of friends, ran wild and enjoyed every minute of it.
I of course had no idea that 10 years later I would be trying to find love on the Internet. I could not fathom how hard it would be to find a genuine person or the degrees of change in dating. The 80’s and early 90’s may have been a terrible time in sense of fashion and hair but, things were much less convoluted.
I miss the days of simplicity.
Friday, August 6, 2010
LTR
It has come to my attention recently that the phrase, “Long Term Relationship”, can be interpreted in many different ways. If you post an add online or have a profile up on a dating site, LTR can be used very loosely. I had no idea. I was of the mindset that it meant you were actually looking for a relationship…silly me.
Macey has been struggling in this portion of the dating game. Her profile clearly states she is in the market for a LTR and the individuals she is chatting with/meeting also say this is what they are looking for. They are Big Fat Liars. In my opinion (i.e.; the real shit), the majority of guys posting put LTR because they think that’s what women want to hear. They actually presume that if they take you out, pay for dinner and try to charm your socks off, that a gal will be willing (obligated) to sleep with them. Well, not my Macey. She is in it to win it and won’t be dropping her drawers for any of you losers.
Dating would be so much easier if people would just be honest. Looking for a booty call, just say it. Looking for a threesome, go on and put it out there. You’re lazy and don’t want to put much effort into dating but expect to find someone with substance anyway, shout it to the people. Just don’t do the following and think you are in any way going to win the heart of anyone with a brain;
Text more than you actually see me or talk to me
Say you are going to call…then don’t…then never even mention it…then text me
Want me to come over to your house after only a couple of dates. I know it’s not because you want to show me your cool Star Wars action figures
Call me at 9pm asking me to meet you for a drink and “whatever else we can think of”
Call me, mention getting together after you take your “daughter” out for her birthday and say you will call around 8pm. You never called, never brought it up and I know you weren’t out with your “daughter”
Macey deserves far better than she is getting. I told her not to settle and there is no reason why she should…she is the total package. I let her know she should be with dudes that make her feel like the cool chick she is. You want to be the butter to his bread, the mac to his cheese, the jalapeno to his pepper and the chip to his dip.
Great, now I’m hungry.
Macey has been struggling in this portion of the dating game. Her profile clearly states she is in the market for a LTR and the individuals she is chatting with/meeting also say this is what they are looking for. They are Big Fat Liars. In my opinion (i.e.; the real shit), the majority of guys posting put LTR because they think that’s what women want to hear. They actually presume that if they take you out, pay for dinner and try to charm your socks off, that a gal will be willing (obligated) to sleep with them. Well, not my Macey. She is in it to win it and won’t be dropping her drawers for any of you losers.
Dating would be so much easier if people would just be honest. Looking for a booty call, just say it. Looking for a threesome, go on and put it out there. You’re lazy and don’t want to put much effort into dating but expect to find someone with substance anyway, shout it to the people. Just don’t do the following and think you are in any way going to win the heart of anyone with a brain;
Text more than you actually see me or talk to me
Say you are going to call…then don’t…then never even mention it…then text me
Want me to come over to your house after only a couple of dates. I know it’s not because you want to show me your cool Star Wars action figures
Call me at 9pm asking me to meet you for a drink and “whatever else we can think of”
Call me, mention getting together after you take your “daughter” out for her birthday and say you will call around 8pm. You never called, never brought it up and I know you weren’t out with your “daughter”
Macey deserves far better than she is getting. I told her not to settle and there is no reason why she should…she is the total package. I let her know she should be with dudes that make her feel like the cool chick she is. You want to be the butter to his bread, the mac to his cheese, the jalapeno to his pepper and the chip to his dip.
Great, now I’m hungry.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Glass Is Half Full My Ass
I am a glass is half empty kind of gal and my friend Macey is a glass half full girl. She wants to see the best in people and believes a lot of what she is told. I am skeptical to the bone, especially with people I barely know and to be perfectly honest, it has served me fairly well over the years. I do not consider myself naïve or easily deceived and maybe because of Macey’s good nature, she has been duped a time or two in the land of dating.
People can be whomever they choose to be online and on the phone. A guy (or girl) can come across as charming and full of whit on the phone and then when you actually meet, you are left wondering where that person has gone. What you think will be a great date turns into a silenced filled, wish I would have worn stretch pants, hope I never told him where I live debacle. It happens to the best of us. I told Macey from the beginning that she should never talk or email longer than a week. If things are not progressing and he isn’t asking you out, it just isn’t going to happen. We have deemed this type of man, the Lazy Dater. He wants to send random emails for a while, and then he might want to go crazy and actually talk on the phone. If he is really lackadaisical, he will move into texting as a form of communication and before you know it weeks will have gone by and you still haven’t even met him.
There are of course exceptions to every rule. There is also the overeager crowd who wants to talk right away and then stalks you. He calls at all hours and doesn’t leave a message, finds you online and wants to know if you are avoiding him. Then there is an entire category of mankind that should not, under any circumstance be trying to date at all.
Macey met a gentleman on a dating website and had great conversations with him. He seemed relatively normal and they got along quite well. They finally met for coffee and things were going well until he dropped the mother of all bombs. He had something that he wanted to tell her but, he couldn’t do it face to face and was going to go home and write her an email…the biggest red flag ever. They hugged and kissed (another faux pas …never kiss on the first “meet” date) and as soon as she got in her car she called me. We analyzed the shit out this one. Having a vivid imagination is not always a good thing and there is no way we could have ever seen this one coming. It turns out that he was a registered sex offender. He had been arrested and convicted of “flashing” young girls and women. I wish it had been as trivial as he portrayed it to be. I won’t get into all of the details but, he was doing more than flashing and it was premeditated.
Macey was pretty devastated but not nearly as much as I was when she told me she had to think about the situation…whether she wanted to see him again. He played it so he was the victim and being the sweet natured gal that she is, she wanted to believe him. Thankfully she reclaimed her brain and has not seen or heard from this maniac again.
The moral to this story? Skepticism is not a bad thing and never kiss on the first date; you have no idea where that other person has been.
People can be whomever they choose to be online and on the phone. A guy (or girl) can come across as charming and full of whit on the phone and then when you actually meet, you are left wondering where that person has gone. What you think will be a great date turns into a silenced filled, wish I would have worn stretch pants, hope I never told him where I live debacle. It happens to the best of us. I told Macey from the beginning that she should never talk or email longer than a week. If things are not progressing and he isn’t asking you out, it just isn’t going to happen. We have deemed this type of man, the Lazy Dater. He wants to send random emails for a while, and then he might want to go crazy and actually talk on the phone. If he is really lackadaisical, he will move into texting as a form of communication and before you know it weeks will have gone by and you still haven’t even met him.
There are of course exceptions to every rule. There is also the overeager crowd who wants to talk right away and then stalks you. He calls at all hours and doesn’t leave a message, finds you online and wants to know if you are avoiding him. Then there is an entire category of mankind that should not, under any circumstance be trying to date at all.
Macey met a gentleman on a dating website and had great conversations with him. He seemed relatively normal and they got along quite well. They finally met for coffee and things were going well until he dropped the mother of all bombs. He had something that he wanted to tell her but, he couldn’t do it face to face and was going to go home and write her an email…the biggest red flag ever. They hugged and kissed (another faux pas …never kiss on the first “meet” date) and as soon as she got in her car she called me. We analyzed the shit out this one. Having a vivid imagination is not always a good thing and there is no way we could have ever seen this one coming. It turns out that he was a registered sex offender. He had been arrested and convicted of “flashing” young girls and women. I wish it had been as trivial as he portrayed it to be. I won’t get into all of the details but, he was doing more than flashing and it was premeditated.
Macey was pretty devastated but not nearly as much as I was when she told me she had to think about the situation…whether she wanted to see him again. He played it so he was the victim and being the sweet natured gal that she is, she wanted to believe him. Thankfully she reclaimed her brain and has not seen or heard from this maniac again.
The moral to this story? Skepticism is not a bad thing and never kiss on the first date; you have no idea where that other person has been.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Everyone Collects Something
I almost went out with a would be wrestler and I say almost because, apparently I wasn't his type. I initiated contact with Hulk and back in the day he was my type. Big, bald, manly white dude. Now I don't even remember his name or what he had to say in his profile...I can't even remember if it was just his picture I liked. So, he messaged me back and we ended up talking on the phone the same night. He sounded like a salt of the earth kind of guy. He had recently moved to Los Angeles because he wanted to become a WWE wrestler. I remember he had a picture of him actually pulling a truck...doesn't get more macho than that. We ended up talking a few times and in one of those conversations he mentioned that he drove a hearse, and not for a living. It was his "regular" car, his transpo and I remember thinking how mysterious and strangely cool that was. He wasn't necessarily Goth but had a "dark" side and what girl doesn't like a little dark, a little bad in her man. We ended up making a date and he was coming to pick me up in the hearse and as I long as I wasn't riding in the back, I was okay with that. A few days before our date we were on the phone and he said that he had just won an auction on Ebay and was excited. I wasn't sure what I thought he was going to tell me he got but, embalming fluid was definitely not it. Yes, he collected embalming fluid. Now, I consider myself pretty open minded but that one threw me for a loop. I had a hard time understanding the fascination, much less having an entire collection. What does one do with it? You can't play with it or share it with your friends. I didn't get it but I had already invested energy and I still thought he was an alright guy. In that same conversation he said something that made me realize he had not seen my photo. When I asked Hulk about it he said he hadn't looked at my picture or my profile, he liked to be surprised. Um, I'm not big on surprises, especially ones on this kind of level. After much discussion I insisted that he look and read. As it turns out, the hearse driving collector of embalming fluids did not find me attractive. Perhaps if I had taken a pic in a casket or one surrounded by my collection of body parts, he would have been more interested. I wasn't really that hurt that he didn't find me fabulous, I was annoyed that he had wasted my time all because he wanted to be surprised.
I still do not care much for surprises or funeral paraphernalia.
I still do not care much for surprises or funeral paraphernalia.
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