This Is Why You Are Still Single

It’s so nice to know that crazy, not money makes the world go round. Internet dating is not easy and some people insist on making it even harder by scaring everyone away. If you have an extremely large chip on your shoulder perhaps a therapist’s office and not a dating site is a better place for you to be. The following is part of a dating profile that my friend Macey sent to me…it is one of the best ones I have ever seen. After reading it, you will completely understand why this person is single and probably always will be. Enjoy!

About Me
IF YOUR NOT GOING TO MEET AFTER A COUPLE OF EMAILS OR AT LEAST TALK ON THE PHONE, THEN DON'T WASTE MY TIME! IF I WANTED A PEN PAL I WOULD WRITE TO PEOPLE IN PRISON.
(I'm pretty sure his letters would make prison appear a better place)

1964 Male in great condition, low miles, runs great. No dings or dents, gets great mileage, in show condition, not a pre-owned. Tons of horsepower to power you through all your needs. Perfect for Sunday drives in the country or picnics by the lake. Front-side arms completely surround you for safety and protection. Stability Control included at no extra charge. Very reliable, wont ever leave you stranded. No liens, clean title. No Maintenance required. Drive off today, no money down!
(He's not "pre-owned" for a reason...he is a lemon. What is with all the car references, is he trying to find a mechanic or a date?)

* BAGGAGE RACK NOT INCLUDED
** ONLY SEATS ONE

Come on by for a test drive!
(It only seats one for a reason...you are a douche bag)

****************************************************************************

YOU:
If you greet people with "Yo!" or "Sup!"......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to the guys you know as your "Homies"......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to the place you live as your "crib"......your probably not the one for me.
iF u tYpE lIkE tHiS......your probably not the one for me.
If your panties say "Monday" and it is now Friday......your probably not the one for me.
If your roommate used to be your boyfriend, but your "Just Friends" now, ......your probably not the one for me.
If you have ever been on a reality show, or want to be on one, ......your probably not the one for me.
If I was to tell you that your a good kisser and your reply is "Daddy says I'm the best", ......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to your cousin as your ex, ......your probably not the one for me.
If your hair is shorter than mine, ......your probably not the one for me.
IF YOUR PROFILE IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, ......your probably not the one for me.
(I DOUBT THIS GUY HAS KISSED ANYONE BUT HIS COUSIN AND I GREET FRIENDS WITH YO ALL OF THE TIME...HOMIE)

If you post a picture of you holding a baby I am going to think it is yours and click to the next profile waaay before I figure out it is:
A. Your niece/nephew
B. Your Son/daughters kid
C. Your neighbors kid
D. The kid you babysit
E. A kid you kidnapped
F. Some random baby that jumped in the picture


If you post a picture of you hanging all over some OTHER dude I am going to think he is the other guy your dating and click to the next profile waaay before I figure out it is:
A. Your Best friend.
B. Your brother
C. Your Dad
D. Your co-worker
E. Your roommate
F. A one night stand from POF
G. Some random dude who jumped in the picture.


ME: friendly, loyal, considerate, giving, fun, honest, upfront, loyal, considerate, kind, selfless, intelligent, funny, ambitious, respectful, manners, chivalry, young at heart, sincere, great sense of humor, romantic, loving, strong, confident, adventurous, reliable, sexy, punctual, ambitious, intelligent, reasonable, problem solver, wise, knowledgeable, competent, unique
(Interesting that "friendly" is the first word he uses to describe himself. He says he has a great sense of humor and yet, he just comes across as bitter and um, more bitter)

I am more intelligent than smart. Smart is not putting your hand on a hot stove after you have burned yourself once. Intelligence is not putting your hand on it in the first place.
(If he was smart, he neeeeeever would have placed this ad)


I have two little puppy's. We go for walks on the beach everyday.
(If I knew his address, I would go rescue those poor puppies)

Things I like:

Sound of water.. rivers, streams, waterfalls.
Bike ride at the beach
Mountains
Smell of pine trees
Smell of a BBQ
Smell of the ocean
Smell of fresh cut grass especially in early morning
Smell of a fire, beach or in the woods or fireplace
Watching the sunset
Sounds of crickets at night
Sounds of frogs in a creek
Sound of waves crashing on the shore
(I bet he likes the smell of fire in the woods...probably where he buries the bodies)

By the way, all of you who write about taking walks on the beach, NONE of you are doing it. I live right on the beach and I don't see ANY of you doing it EVER!