Sponge Bob

I went on a couple of dates with Sponge Bob Square Pants. He was a little taller and not really square or sponge like but, the pants were dead on. I started “chatting” with Bob and found him kind of interesting, although I wasn’t drooling over his picture. Bob wasn’t fugly just a tad on the nerdy side and I have always liked a little geek in my men. He lived in the Valley (not under the sea), I lived on the Westside and he worked quite far away so, it took a while to actually go out on a date.

Our first date was at a Starbucks in West Hills and I brought a friend with me…just in case he turned out to be creepy or really boring I guess. It would be the last time I brought security; she thought he looked like Sponge Bob and I could not get that image out of my head. I almost called him Bob a couple of times but caught myself. I thought he was a nice guy and looking back on it, I realize I was pretty desperate to indulge him with two dates. After my friend left we talked for quite a while, well he talked for a while, and I nodded my head a lot. Bob told me that he had been in a long relationship and she had left him and that he would never again chase a woman. After spending more time with Bob I really thought he might want to reconsider that decision. There was very little chance he was going to get chased or pursued. We agreed to meet for a dinner date…I know, desperate much?

We met for dinner and after he talked some more and stared at me enough to make me very uncomfortable, we got the check. I offered to pay for my portion but he said he would get it, and then said that I could get the tip. If you are picking up the check, having someone pay the tip just makes you look cheap. After we left the restaurant we walked to Barnes and Noble which was kind of awkward. I am only 5 feet tall, Bob was about 6’2 and he wanted to walk with his arm around me. I felt like a Baby Bjorn would have been more appropriate for me. We were in the bookstore and I am a big reader so I sort of go into a “book zone” and tend not to notice much going on around me. I realized that he had just been standing there staring at me and I kept thinking, do I have a booger in my nose…can he see down my shirt? He finely bent and whispered to me “your eyelashes are scrumptious”. I knew that would be my last date with Bob and since he wasn’t chasing anyone, I knew he would never call anyway.

Real men don’t eat quiche and they DO NOT use the word scrumptious. I am happy to say in 6 years together, my husband has never uttered that word. Real men unite!