Really?

My darling gal pal Macey took a short break from dating and I inadvertently took one from blogging…shame on me.

Macey is back on the fast track to finding love or as I like to call it, House of Internet Horror. What the French is wrong with people?! There always seem to be a few idiots that have to send crude responses to personal ads and it really chaps my hide. Some people are truly looking for someone to give their hearts to and these idiots feel the need to be sexually and often explicitly nauseating. Take your hand out of your pants, go upstairs (because we all know you still live in your parent’s basement), ask Mommy if you can borrow $20 bucks and go get a hooker to blow you. Seriously, you are all a bunch morons and should never be allowed access to any kind of electronic device.

I have been trying to help Macey weed through all of her many potential suitors, and it’s not always pretty. There are a few things (there are actually many, many things but we don’t have time for them all) that continue to befuddle and amuse me at the same time. Here they are in no certain order;

Why do men post/send pictures with other women in them? I especially like the ones where it is painfully obvious you tried to cut/crop/Photoshop the other woman out. The pictures are not in Braille, we can actually see other parts of the person.

My other favorite photo blunder is the self-portrait. If you are going to take a picture with your webcam, could you back up a little? Why are you taking a picture of yourself in a mirror? Can’t you call a friend to help you out? A half-naked picture, really? Please, for the love of God, put your friggin shirt back on.

If you have the San Quentin look? I am going to ascertain you have been to prison and I am usually going to be correct.

There is this incredible new invention and it’s called Spell Check, have you heard of it? I didn’t think so.

If ur 2 lazy 2 type a full word, what would make me want to consider going out with you?

Neither Macey nor I need or want to know about your supposed sexual prowess. Just because your sister says you are a great kisser, doesn’t make it so.

Please give me longer than 5 minutes to reply to you. Sending me multiple emails asking why I haven’t responded isn’t going to endear you to me. Patience is a virtue, or so I am told.

I have to give Macey mad props for hanging in there and fighting the good fight. There is a lid for every pot and I am going to hang in there with you, no matter how long it takes.

The Grass Is Always Greener

When I think of ever having to be single again, it makes me want to projectile vomit. If this horrific situation were to ever happen, I would have to make a trek to the nunnery and pledge my allegiance…or whatever they do. If the nuns didn’t want me (and who could blame them), I would most certainly become the weird lady with 85 cats and a closet full of housecoats.

I know there are people walking around professing that they love being single and that they choose to be solitary. I think these people are full of poop and just say this to feel better about themselves. People remain single for many reasons; career, children, a long prison sentence, or that pesky ankle bracelet. You are not choosing to be single; you are choosing to make other things your priority. Dating is a full time, labor intensive job that can make the strongest individual cower in the fetal position. I do not ever want to waste another minute of my life, waiting for the phone to ring. I wouldn’t want to spend one more second worrying about why he didn’t call. I could not bring myself to condemn my actions or lack of judgment one more time.

I know myself so much better than I did 10 years ago. I know what I want, who I want to be around, what is important and what is too trivial to bother with. I also know what I am willing to put up with and what I am no longer letting into my life. I would be a different dater now for sure.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side. I love my grass the way it is, with my husband mowing it.

Do-Se-Do

This past weekend I watched the movie Crazy Heart with Jeff Bridges. In a nutshell it’s about a used to be famous Country and Western singer, who loses his way. It got me thinking about my time in the Country and Western world.

From 1987 to 1993 I lived in Minnesota. I left California a straight hair, Levi wearing, pop music girl and returned a blondish, permed, cowboy boot wearing, country girl. I fully learned how to cowboy up. There were a lot of firsts for me in the Great Frozen Tundra. First pair of boots, first pair of Wranglers so tight underwear was not optional and the first of many, many perms. The first time I fell in love, had sex (sorry if my brother is reading this) learned to line dance and two step. I was just shy of 20 and I was ready to rumble.

Looking back I remember how much easier dating was back then. There was no mass technology and the only way a date could be made was over the phone or in person. You didn’t put someone’s number in your Blackberry, you actually had to use skills you had acquired in school and…gasp…write it on a piece of paper or cocktail napkin. This was a time before the 3 day “rule” and a precursor to being a “playa”. Men and women went on dates and actually started relationships. A computer was still something that you only used at work and a pager was high tech. I don’t remember being really interested in a relationship or shacking up. I had a great group of friends, ran wild and enjoyed every minute of it.

I of course had no idea that 10 years later I would be trying to find love on the Internet. I could not fathom how hard it would be to find a genuine person or the degrees of change in dating. The 80’s and early 90’s may have been a terrible time in sense of fashion and hair but, things were much less convoluted.

I miss the days of simplicity.

LTR

It has come to my attention recently that the phrase, “Long Term Relationship”, can be interpreted in many different ways. If you post an add online or have a profile up on a dating site, LTR can be used very loosely. I had no idea. I was of the mindset that it meant you were actually looking for a relationship…silly me.

Macey has been struggling in this portion of the dating game. Her profile clearly states she is in the market for a LTR and the individuals she is chatting with/meeting also say this is what they are looking for. They are Big Fat Liars. In my opinion (i.e.; the real shit), the majority of guys posting put LTR because they think that’s what women want to hear. They actually presume that if they take you out, pay for dinner and try to charm your socks off, that a gal will be willing (obligated) to sleep with them. Well, not my Macey. She is in it to win it and won’t be dropping her drawers for any of you losers.

Dating would be so much easier if people would just be honest. Looking for a booty call, just say it. Looking for a threesome, go on and put it out there. You’re lazy and don’t want to put much effort into dating but expect to find someone with substance anyway, shout it to the people. Just don’t do the following and think you are in any way going to win the heart of anyone with a brain;

Text more than you actually see me or talk to me

Say you are going to call…then don’t…then never even mention it…then text me

Want me to come over to your house after only a couple of dates. I know it’s not because you want to show me your cool Star Wars action figures

Call me at 9pm asking me to meet you for a drink and “whatever else we can think of”

Call me, mention getting together after you take your “daughter” out for her birthday and say you will call around 8pm. You never called, never brought it up and I know you weren’t out with your “daughter”

Macey deserves far better than she is getting. I told her not to settle and there is no reason why she should…she is the total package. I let her know she should be with dudes that make her feel like the cool chick she is. You want to be the butter to his bread, the mac to his cheese, the jalapeno to his pepper and the chip to his dip.

Great, now I’m hungry.

The Glass Is Half Full My Ass

I am a glass is half empty kind of gal and my friend Macey is a glass half full girl. She wants to see the best in people and believes a lot of what she is told. I am skeptical to the bone, especially with people I barely know and to be perfectly honest, it has served me fairly well over the years. I do not consider myself naïve or easily deceived and maybe because of Macey’s good nature, she has been duped a time or two in the land of dating.

People can be whomever they choose to be online and on the phone. A guy (or girl) can come across as charming and full of whit on the phone and then when you actually meet, you are left wondering where that person has gone. What you think will be a great date turns into a silenced filled, wish I would have worn stretch pants, hope I never told him where I live debacle. It happens to the best of us. I told Macey from the beginning that she should never talk or email longer than a week. If things are not progressing and he isn’t asking you out, it just isn’t going to happen. We have deemed this type of man, the Lazy Dater. He wants to send random emails for a while, and then he might want to go crazy and actually talk on the phone. If he is really lackadaisical, he will move into texting as a form of communication and before you know it weeks will have gone by and you still haven’t even met him.

There are of course exceptions to every rule. There is also the overeager crowd who wants to talk right away and then stalks you. He calls at all hours and doesn’t leave a message, finds you online and wants to know if you are avoiding him. Then there is an entire category of mankind that should not, under any circumstance be trying to date at all.

Macey met a gentleman on a dating website and had great conversations with him. He seemed relatively normal and they got along quite well. They finally met for coffee and things were going well until he dropped the mother of all bombs. He had something that he wanted to tell her but, he couldn’t do it face to face and was going to go home and write her an email…the biggest red flag ever. They hugged and kissed (another faux pas …never kiss on the first “meet” date) and as soon as she got in her car she called me. We analyzed the shit out this one. Having a vivid imagination is not always a good thing and there is no way we could have ever seen this one coming. It turns out that he was a registered sex offender. He had been arrested and convicted of “flashing” young girls and women. I wish it had been as trivial as he portrayed it to be. I won’t get into all of the details but, he was doing more than flashing and it was premeditated.

Macey was pretty devastated but not nearly as much as I was when she told me she had to think about the situation…whether she wanted to see him again. He played it so he was the victim and being the sweet natured gal that she is, she wanted to believe him. Thankfully she reclaimed her brain and has not seen or heard from this maniac again.

The moral to this story? Skepticism is not a bad thing and never kiss on the first date; you have no idea where that other person has been.

Everyone Collects Something

I almost went out with a would be wrestler and I say almost because, apparently I wasn't his type. I initiated contact with Hulk and back in the day he was my type. Big, bald, manly white dude. Now I don't even remember his name or what he had to say in his profile...I can't even remember if it was just his picture I liked. So, he messaged me back and we ended up talking on the phone the same night. He sounded like a salt of the earth kind of guy. He had recently moved to Los Angeles because he wanted to become a WWE wrestler. I remember he had a picture of him actually pulling a truck...doesn't get more macho than that. We ended up talking a few times and in one of those conversations he mentioned that he drove a hearse, and not for a living. It was his "regular" car, his transpo and I remember thinking how mysterious and strangely cool that was. He wasn't necessarily Goth but had a "dark" side and what girl doesn't like a little dark, a little bad in her man. We ended up making a date and he was coming to pick me up in the hearse and as I long as I wasn't riding in the back, I was okay with that. A few days before our date we were on the phone and he said that he had just won an auction on Ebay and was excited. I wasn't sure what I thought he was going to tell me he got but, embalming fluid was definitely not it. Yes, he collected embalming fluid. Now, I consider myself pretty open minded but that one threw me for a loop. I had a hard time understanding the fascination, much less having an entire collection. What does one do with it? You can't play with it or share it with your friends. I didn't get it but I had already invested energy and I still thought he was an alright guy. In that same conversation he said something that made me realize he had not seen my photo. When I asked Hulk about it he said he hadn't looked at my picture or my profile, he liked to be surprised. Um, I'm not big on surprises, especially ones on this kind of level. After much discussion I insisted that he look and read. As it turns out, the hearse driving collector of embalming fluids did not find me attractive. Perhaps if I had taken a pic in a casket or one surrounded by my collection of body parts, he would have been more interested. I wasn't really that hurt that he didn't find me fabulous, I was annoyed that he had wasted my time all because he wanted to be surprised.

I still do not care much for surprises or funeral paraphernalia.

This Is Why You Are Still Single

It’s so nice to know that crazy, not money makes the world go round. Internet dating is not easy and some people insist on making it even harder by scaring everyone away. If you have an extremely large chip on your shoulder perhaps a therapist’s office and not a dating site is a better place for you to be. The following is part of a dating profile that my friend Macey sent to me…it is one of the best ones I have ever seen. After reading it, you will completely understand why this person is single and probably always will be. Enjoy!

About Me
IF YOUR NOT GOING TO MEET AFTER A COUPLE OF EMAILS OR AT LEAST TALK ON THE PHONE, THEN DON'T WASTE MY TIME! IF I WANTED A PEN PAL I WOULD WRITE TO PEOPLE IN PRISON.
(I'm pretty sure his letters would make prison appear a better place)

1964 Male in great condition, low miles, runs great. No dings or dents, gets great mileage, in show condition, not a pre-owned. Tons of horsepower to power you through all your needs. Perfect for Sunday drives in the country or picnics by the lake. Front-side arms completely surround you for safety and protection. Stability Control included at no extra charge. Very reliable, wont ever leave you stranded. No liens, clean title. No Maintenance required. Drive off today, no money down!
(He's not "pre-owned" for a reason...he is a lemon. What is with all the car references, is he trying to find a mechanic or a date?)

* BAGGAGE RACK NOT INCLUDED
** ONLY SEATS ONE

Come on by for a test drive!
(It only seats one for a reason...you are a douche bag)

****************************************************************************

YOU:
If you greet people with "Yo!" or "Sup!"......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to the guys you know as your "Homies"......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to the place you live as your "crib"......your probably not the one for me.
iF u tYpE lIkE tHiS......your probably not the one for me.
If your panties say "Monday" and it is now Friday......your probably not the one for me.
If your roommate used to be your boyfriend, but your "Just Friends" now, ......your probably not the one for me.
If you have ever been on a reality show, or want to be on one, ......your probably not the one for me.
If I was to tell you that your a good kisser and your reply is "Daddy says I'm the best", ......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to your cousin as your ex, ......your probably not the one for me.
If your hair is shorter than mine, ......your probably not the one for me.
IF YOUR PROFILE IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, ......your probably not the one for me.
(I DOUBT THIS GUY HAS KISSED ANYONE BUT HIS COUSIN AND I GREET FRIENDS WITH YO ALL OF THE TIME...HOMIE)

If you post a picture of you holding a baby I am going to think it is yours and click to the next profile waaay before I figure out it is:
A. Your niece/nephew
B. Your Son/daughters kid
C. Your neighbors kid
D. The kid you babysit
E. A kid you kidnapped
F. Some random baby that jumped in the picture


If you post a picture of you hanging all over some OTHER dude I am going to think he is the other guy your dating and click to the next profile waaay before I figure out it is:
A. Your Best friend.
B. Your brother
C. Your Dad
D. Your co-worker
E. Your roommate
F. A one night stand from POF
G. Some random dude who jumped in the picture.


ME: friendly, loyal, considerate, giving, fun, honest, upfront, loyal, considerate, kind, selfless, intelligent, funny, ambitious, respectful, manners, chivalry, young at heart, sincere, great sense of humor, romantic, loving, strong, confident, adventurous, reliable, sexy, punctual, ambitious, intelligent, reasonable, problem solver, wise, knowledgeable, competent, unique
(Interesting that "friendly" is the first word he uses to describe himself. He says he has a great sense of humor and yet, he just comes across as bitter and um, more bitter)

I am more intelligent than smart. Smart is not putting your hand on a hot stove after you have burned yourself once. Intelligence is not putting your hand on it in the first place.
(If he was smart, he neeeeeever would have placed this ad)


I have two little puppy's. We go for walks on the beach everyday.
(If I knew his address, I would go rescue those poor puppies)

Things I like:

Sound of water.. rivers, streams, waterfalls.
Bike ride at the beach
Mountains
Smell of pine trees
Smell of a BBQ
Smell of the ocean
Smell of fresh cut grass especially in early morning
Smell of a fire, beach or in the woods or fireplace
Watching the sunset
Sounds of crickets at night
Sounds of frogs in a creek
Sound of waves crashing on the shore
(I bet he likes the smell of fire in the woods...probably where he buries the bodies)

By the way, all of you who write about taking walks on the beach, NONE of you are doing it. I live right on the beach and I don't see ANY of you doing it EVER!

Common Sense

Why is it when people start to date, all of their common sense ceases to exist? Suddenly no one can make a decision on their own and are incapable of recognizing a red flag, even when it is continuously smacking them in the face.

A red flag is red for a reason. It means stop, danger ahead; something is really, really wrong here. Yet when dating, we instantly become deaf, dumb and blind. People are suddenly willing to put up with things they would never tolerate under other circumstances. I believe it gets even worse as we get older and often times, feel like we should settle because nothing better is going to come along. I know that I temporarily became a heinously indecisive gal, with all of my self confidence left in the proverbial toilet. This was VERY temporary for me and I once again gained control of my fabulous, well deserving self. I also learned to trust my gut and recognize a red flag for what it was…a big, fat fucking warning that I would no longer ignore.

Here are just a few things I decided were acceptable;

Collecting embalming fluid.
Me: nuff said

Letting me know that you made sure your women remained the weight you liked…by making them eat ice cream and weighing them.
Me: How sweet…I can get fatter and he’ll feed me sugar…I think I love him.

Sharing within an hour of a first date your suicidal tendencies and the milligrams of the Prozac you are taking.
Me: He’s so brave.

Calling late at night and wanting to come over, after not having heard from someone for several days.
Me: Wow, he really, really likes me and just can’t wait to see me.

Calling me every hour on the hour and we haven’t even met yet.
Me: He likes me, he really likes me.

Having a great first date and telling me you will call me the next day. Getting an email 2 days later because you got so wasted you blacked out.
Me: At least he didn’t puke. He’s a real man and can really hold his liquor.

Sometimes a duck is just a duck and sometimes a red flag slaps you over and over again in the face for a reason.

Sponge Bob

I went on a couple of dates with Sponge Bob Square Pants. He was a little taller and not really square or sponge like but, the pants were dead on. I started “chatting” with Bob and found him kind of interesting, although I wasn’t drooling over his picture. Bob wasn’t fugly just a tad on the nerdy side and I have always liked a little geek in my men. He lived in the Valley (not under the sea), I lived on the Westside and he worked quite far away so, it took a while to actually go out on a date.

Our first date was at a Starbucks in West Hills and I brought a friend with me…just in case he turned out to be creepy or really boring I guess. It would be the last time I brought security; she thought he looked like Sponge Bob and I could not get that image out of my head. I almost called him Bob a couple of times but caught myself. I thought he was a nice guy and looking back on it, I realize I was pretty desperate to indulge him with two dates. After my friend left we talked for quite a while, well he talked for a while, and I nodded my head a lot. Bob told me that he had been in a long relationship and she had left him and that he would never again chase a woman. After spending more time with Bob I really thought he might want to reconsider that decision. There was very little chance he was going to get chased or pursued. We agreed to meet for a dinner date…I know, desperate much?

We met for dinner and after he talked some more and stared at me enough to make me very uncomfortable, we got the check. I offered to pay for my portion but he said he would get it, and then said that I could get the tip. If you are picking up the check, having someone pay the tip just makes you look cheap. After we left the restaurant we walked to Barnes and Noble which was kind of awkward. I am only 5 feet tall, Bob was about 6’2 and he wanted to walk with his arm around me. I felt like a Baby Bjorn would have been more appropriate for me. We were in the bookstore and I am a big reader so I sort of go into a “book zone” and tend not to notice much going on around me. I realized that he had just been standing there staring at me and I kept thinking, do I have a booger in my nose…can he see down my shirt? He finely bent and whispered to me “your eyelashes are scrumptious”. I knew that would be my last date with Bob and since he wasn’t chasing anyone, I knew he would never call anyway.

Real men don’t eat quiche and they DO NOT use the word scrumptious. I am happy to say in 6 years together, my husband has never uttered that word. Real men unite!

I'm Not Fat, I'm Just Fluffy

I started my dating expedition on Match.com. Back then it was really cheap or possibly even free at one point. Now it will cost you $34.99 a month to find your dream mate or nightmare, depends on how things go for you. I joined other sites that were at the time free; Lava Life, Yahoo personals and a few others I don’t think are even around any longer. I was always honest in my profile and tried to be as specific as possible. I never lied about being a Plus Size, Rubenesque, Voluptuous, Phat, Ample, Plump, or Fluffy girl. I never marked the “few extra pounds” box because a few to me is 10 or 15 and there is more than that of me to love. I was confident with myself and if you didn’t like a fluffy girl, you could get to steppin. I also had current pictures. Did you think I wouldn’t notice when you showed up for our first and last date that you were nowhere near 6 feet tall or even this side of 40? I did notice and it did piss me off. If you are lying about that, I wasn’t even interested to know what else you were distorting.

I was definitely naïve when I first started all of this. I was so freaking excited that a boatload of guys was interested in little old me, I hardly knew what to do with myself. The majority of my admirers appeared pretty normal…in the beginning. Some of them wanted to meet right this instant and others wanted full body shots with some cleavage please. I didn’t ask to see pictures of your junk and you wouldn’t be seeing mine…ever. I did learn how to weed them out pretty quickly and got to “know” lots of intriguing people. I knew at some point I would have to take the plunge and actually meet someone and I remember being petrified. I also remember making sure my pepper spray was filled.

I don’t actually remember my first Internet date, or possibly my brain has blocked it out so as not to cause any further trauma. I went on quite a few coffee and let’s meet for a drink dates. I was the One Date Wonder for a long time. I’m still not sure to this day why it was so hard to get past a first date and actually go on a second one. I’m sure it wasn’t me though, it was them.

How I Got Here

I was never one those girls that dreamed about her wedding day. I didn’t turn curtains into a veil or make my dog into a groom. I partied through my 20’s and into my early 30’s having a good old time. It wasn’t really until I saw my friends getting married and start to have kids that I realized I wanted that too. My posse of pals tried to set me up a few times and they never worked out, most of the guys weren’t even my “type”. I wasn’t really meeting anyone on my own so I turned to the Internet. I started this back in the days when you wouldn’t dare tell anyone you were actually doing this. Some people thought I was a little crazy and I guess one would need to be to endure things I and some friends have endured. Internet dating, or dating in general, is not for the meek or easily deterred. I know this, because I dated until I could not date any more.

I know everyone who has ever tried dating online has at least one horror story; it is definitely a way to find all the crazy that exists in the world. There is a positive side to all though, I met my spectacular husband online, even though it wasn’t in the “traditional” way. I’ll get more into that at some point.

Several months ago I started helping a friend try to find a man. I wrote her profiles, signed her up, screened people, gave her advice and tried my best to guide her along the way. My friend, we’ll call her Macey, is still looking, but then, she isn’t meek or afraid of a challenge. Every time she had a date we would analyze it and I would share some of my dating disasters. My husband and Macey kept telling me I should start a blog about it all, so here I am.

I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and dating outside the box. Let’s face it, dating ain’t for sissies.