This Is Why You Are Still Single

It’s so nice to know that crazy, not money makes the world go round. Internet dating is not easy and some people insist on making it even harder by scaring everyone away. If you have an extremely large chip on your shoulder perhaps a therapist’s office and not a dating site is a better place for you to be. The following is part of a dating profile that my friend Macey sent to me…it is one of the best ones I have ever seen. After reading it, you will completely understand why this person is single and probably always will be. Enjoy!

About Me
IF YOUR NOT GOING TO MEET AFTER A COUPLE OF EMAILS OR AT LEAST TALK ON THE PHONE, THEN DON'T WASTE MY TIME! IF I WANTED A PEN PAL I WOULD WRITE TO PEOPLE IN PRISON.
(I'm pretty sure his letters would make prison appear a better place)

1964 Male in great condition, low miles, runs great. No dings or dents, gets great mileage, in show condition, not a pre-owned. Tons of horsepower to power you through all your needs. Perfect for Sunday drives in the country or picnics by the lake. Front-side arms completely surround you for safety and protection. Stability Control included at no extra charge. Very reliable, wont ever leave you stranded. No liens, clean title. No Maintenance required. Drive off today, no money down!
(He's not "pre-owned" for a reason...he is a lemon. What is with all the car references, is he trying to find a mechanic or a date?)

* BAGGAGE RACK NOT INCLUDED
** ONLY SEATS ONE

Come on by for a test drive!
(It only seats one for a reason...you are a douche bag)

****************************************************************************

YOU:
If you greet people with "Yo!" or "Sup!"......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to the guys you know as your "Homies"......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to the place you live as your "crib"......your probably not the one for me.
iF u tYpE lIkE tHiS......your probably not the one for me.
If your panties say "Monday" and it is now Friday......your probably not the one for me.
If your roommate used to be your boyfriend, but your "Just Friends" now, ......your probably not the one for me.
If you have ever been on a reality show, or want to be on one, ......your probably not the one for me.
If I was to tell you that your a good kisser and your reply is "Daddy says I'm the best", ......your probably not the one for me.
If you refer to your cousin as your ex, ......your probably not the one for me.
If your hair is shorter than mine, ......your probably not the one for me.
IF YOUR PROFILE IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, ......your probably not the one for me.
(I DOUBT THIS GUY HAS KISSED ANYONE BUT HIS COUSIN AND I GREET FRIENDS WITH YO ALL OF THE TIME...HOMIE)

If you post a picture of you holding a baby I am going to think it is yours and click to the next profile waaay before I figure out it is:
A. Your niece/nephew
B. Your Son/daughters kid
C. Your neighbors kid
D. The kid you babysit
E. A kid you kidnapped
F. Some random baby that jumped in the picture


If you post a picture of you hanging all over some OTHER dude I am going to think he is the other guy your dating and click to the next profile waaay before I figure out it is:
A. Your Best friend.
B. Your brother
C. Your Dad
D. Your co-worker
E. Your roommate
F. A one night stand from POF
G. Some random dude who jumped in the picture.


ME: friendly, loyal, considerate, giving, fun, honest, upfront, loyal, considerate, kind, selfless, intelligent, funny, ambitious, respectful, manners, chivalry, young at heart, sincere, great sense of humor, romantic, loving, strong, confident, adventurous, reliable, sexy, punctual, ambitious, intelligent, reasonable, problem solver, wise, knowledgeable, competent, unique
(Interesting that "friendly" is the first word he uses to describe himself. He says he has a great sense of humor and yet, he just comes across as bitter and um, more bitter)

I am more intelligent than smart. Smart is not putting your hand on a hot stove after you have burned yourself once. Intelligence is not putting your hand on it in the first place.
(If he was smart, he neeeeeever would have placed this ad)


I have two little puppy's. We go for walks on the beach everyday.
(If I knew his address, I would go rescue those poor puppies)

Things I like:

Sound of water.. rivers, streams, waterfalls.
Bike ride at the beach
Mountains
Smell of pine trees
Smell of a BBQ
Smell of the ocean
Smell of fresh cut grass especially in early morning
Smell of a fire, beach or in the woods or fireplace
Watching the sunset
Sounds of crickets at night
Sounds of frogs in a creek
Sound of waves crashing on the shore
(I bet he likes the smell of fire in the woods...probably where he buries the bodies)

By the way, all of you who write about taking walks on the beach, NONE of you are doing it. I live right on the beach and I don't see ANY of you doing it EVER!

Common Sense

Why is it when people start to date, all of their common sense ceases to exist? Suddenly no one can make a decision on their own and are incapable of recognizing a red flag, even when it is continuously smacking them in the face.

A red flag is red for a reason. It means stop, danger ahead; something is really, really wrong here. Yet when dating, we instantly become deaf, dumb and blind. People are suddenly willing to put up with things they would never tolerate under other circumstances. I believe it gets even worse as we get older and often times, feel like we should settle because nothing better is going to come along. I know that I temporarily became a heinously indecisive gal, with all of my self confidence left in the proverbial toilet. This was VERY temporary for me and I once again gained control of my fabulous, well deserving self. I also learned to trust my gut and recognize a red flag for what it was…a big, fat fucking warning that I would no longer ignore.

Here are just a few things I decided were acceptable;

Collecting embalming fluid.
Me: nuff said

Letting me know that you made sure your women remained the weight you liked…by making them eat ice cream and weighing them.
Me: How sweet…I can get fatter and he’ll feed me sugar…I think I love him.

Sharing within an hour of a first date your suicidal tendencies and the milligrams of the Prozac you are taking.
Me: He’s so brave.

Calling late at night and wanting to come over, after not having heard from someone for several days.
Me: Wow, he really, really likes me and just can’t wait to see me.

Calling me every hour on the hour and we haven’t even met yet.
Me: He likes me, he really likes me.

Having a great first date and telling me you will call me the next day. Getting an email 2 days later because you got so wasted you blacked out.
Me: At least he didn’t puke. He’s a real man and can really hold his liquor.

Sometimes a duck is just a duck and sometimes a red flag slaps you over and over again in the face for a reason.

Sponge Bob

I went on a couple of dates with Sponge Bob Square Pants. He was a little taller and not really square or sponge like but, the pants were dead on. I started “chatting” with Bob and found him kind of interesting, although I wasn’t drooling over his picture. Bob wasn’t fugly just a tad on the nerdy side and I have always liked a little geek in my men. He lived in the Valley (not under the sea), I lived on the Westside and he worked quite far away so, it took a while to actually go out on a date.

Our first date was at a Starbucks in West Hills and I brought a friend with me…just in case he turned out to be creepy or really boring I guess. It would be the last time I brought security; she thought he looked like Sponge Bob and I could not get that image out of my head. I almost called him Bob a couple of times but caught myself. I thought he was a nice guy and looking back on it, I realize I was pretty desperate to indulge him with two dates. After my friend left we talked for quite a while, well he talked for a while, and I nodded my head a lot. Bob told me that he had been in a long relationship and she had left him and that he would never again chase a woman. After spending more time with Bob I really thought he might want to reconsider that decision. There was very little chance he was going to get chased or pursued. We agreed to meet for a dinner date…I know, desperate much?

We met for dinner and after he talked some more and stared at me enough to make me very uncomfortable, we got the check. I offered to pay for my portion but he said he would get it, and then said that I could get the tip. If you are picking up the check, having someone pay the tip just makes you look cheap. After we left the restaurant we walked to Barnes and Noble which was kind of awkward. I am only 5 feet tall, Bob was about 6’2 and he wanted to walk with his arm around me. I felt like a Baby Bjorn would have been more appropriate for me. We were in the bookstore and I am a big reader so I sort of go into a “book zone” and tend not to notice much going on around me. I realized that he had just been standing there staring at me and I kept thinking, do I have a booger in my nose…can he see down my shirt? He finely bent and whispered to me “your eyelashes are scrumptious”. I knew that would be my last date with Bob and since he wasn’t chasing anyone, I knew he would never call anyway.

Real men don’t eat quiche and they DO NOT use the word scrumptious. I am happy to say in 6 years together, my husband has never uttered that word. Real men unite!

I'm Not Fat, I'm Just Fluffy

I started my dating expedition on Match.com. Back then it was really cheap or possibly even free at one point. Now it will cost you $34.99 a month to find your dream mate or nightmare, depends on how things go for you. I joined other sites that were at the time free; Lava Life, Yahoo personals and a few others I don’t think are even around any longer. I was always honest in my profile and tried to be as specific as possible. I never lied about being a Plus Size, Rubenesque, Voluptuous, Phat, Ample, Plump, or Fluffy girl. I never marked the “few extra pounds” box because a few to me is 10 or 15 and there is more than that of me to love. I was confident with myself and if you didn’t like a fluffy girl, you could get to steppin. I also had current pictures. Did you think I wouldn’t notice when you showed up for our first and last date that you were nowhere near 6 feet tall or even this side of 40? I did notice and it did piss me off. If you are lying about that, I wasn’t even interested to know what else you were distorting.

I was definitely naïve when I first started all of this. I was so freaking excited that a boatload of guys was interested in little old me, I hardly knew what to do with myself. The majority of my admirers appeared pretty normal…in the beginning. Some of them wanted to meet right this instant and others wanted full body shots with some cleavage please. I didn’t ask to see pictures of your junk and you wouldn’t be seeing mine…ever. I did learn how to weed them out pretty quickly and got to “know” lots of intriguing people. I knew at some point I would have to take the plunge and actually meet someone and I remember being petrified. I also remember making sure my pepper spray was filled.

I don’t actually remember my first Internet date, or possibly my brain has blocked it out so as not to cause any further trauma. I went on quite a few coffee and let’s meet for a drink dates. I was the One Date Wonder for a long time. I’m still not sure to this day why it was so hard to get past a first date and actually go on a second one. I’m sure it wasn’t me though, it was them.

How I Got Here

I was never one those girls that dreamed about her wedding day. I didn’t turn curtains into a veil or make my dog into a groom. I partied through my 20’s and into my early 30’s having a good old time. It wasn’t really until I saw my friends getting married and start to have kids that I realized I wanted that too. My posse of pals tried to set me up a few times and they never worked out, most of the guys weren’t even my “type”. I wasn’t really meeting anyone on my own so I turned to the Internet. I started this back in the days when you wouldn’t dare tell anyone you were actually doing this. Some people thought I was a little crazy and I guess one would need to be to endure things I and some friends have endured. Internet dating, or dating in general, is not for the meek or easily deterred. I know this, because I dated until I could not date any more.

I know everyone who has ever tried dating online has at least one horror story; it is definitely a way to find all the crazy that exists in the world. There is a positive side to all though, I met my spectacular husband online, even though it wasn’t in the “traditional” way. I’ll get more into that at some point.

Several months ago I started helping a friend try to find a man. I wrote her profiles, signed her up, screened people, gave her advice and tried my best to guide her along the way. My friend, we’ll call her Macey, is still looking, but then, she isn’t meek or afraid of a challenge. Every time she had a date we would analyze it and I would share some of my dating disasters. My husband and Macey kept telling me I should start a blog about it all, so here I am.

I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and dating outside the box. Let’s face it, dating ain’t for sissies.