Really?

My darling gal pal Macey took a short break from dating and I inadvertently took one from blogging…shame on me.

Macey is back on the fast track to finding love or as I like to call it, House of Internet Horror. What the French is wrong with people?! There always seem to be a few idiots that have to send crude responses to personal ads and it really chaps my hide. Some people are truly looking for someone to give their hearts to and these idiots feel the need to be sexually and often explicitly nauseating. Take your hand out of your pants, go upstairs (because we all know you still live in your parent’s basement), ask Mommy if you can borrow $20 bucks and go get a hooker to blow you. Seriously, you are all a bunch morons and should never be allowed access to any kind of electronic device.

I have been trying to help Macey weed through all of her many potential suitors, and it’s not always pretty. There are a few things (there are actually many, many things but we don’t have time for them all) that continue to befuddle and amuse me at the same time. Here they are in no certain order;

Why do men post/send pictures with other women in them? I especially like the ones where it is painfully obvious you tried to cut/crop/Photoshop the other woman out. The pictures are not in Braille, we can actually see other parts of the person.

My other favorite photo blunder is the self-portrait. If you are going to take a picture with your webcam, could you back up a little? Why are you taking a picture of yourself in a mirror? Can’t you call a friend to help you out? A half-naked picture, really? Please, for the love of God, put your friggin shirt back on.

If you have the San Quentin look? I am going to ascertain you have been to prison and I am usually going to be correct.

There is this incredible new invention and it’s called Spell Check, have you heard of it? I didn’t think so.

If ur 2 lazy 2 type a full word, what would make me want to consider going out with you?

Neither Macey nor I need or want to know about your supposed sexual prowess. Just because your sister says you are a great kisser, doesn’t make it so.

Please give me longer than 5 minutes to reply to you. Sending me multiple emails asking why I haven’t responded isn’t going to endear you to me. Patience is a virtue, or so I am told.

I have to give Macey mad props for hanging in there and fighting the good fight. There is a lid for every pot and I am going to hang in there with you, no matter how long it takes.