Millionaire Matchmaker

There are so many daters out in the world that will remain single, just because they can’t open their minds to possibility. They can’t look past an outfit, haircut or kind of car someone drives and immediately deem those people a waste of their time. And then there are those who believe they have only one “type” of person they can date. They have to have a certain body type, hair color, facial hair or share an undying love for penguins. If you are not willing to be open minded and go outside your own box, you will be single for a long ass time. I used to think I had a type too…not so much. I was always open to any race but I was focused on big, white, teddy bear type guys and the bigger the better. The first date with my now husband I fell head over heels for him, and he is neither white nor large. He is however, the perfect man for me and I love him like crazy. All of this because I decided to go outside of my comfort zone…crazy.

Last week I watched the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo. To be fair I watch it every chance I get because it is like a shiny object; I just can’t look away. Patti Stanger is a self-professed third generation matchmaker and all I can say is, I hope the other generations have had more success than she has. Patti and her “staff” have no qualms telling her millionaires and their potential love interests, exactly what is physically wrong with them. It is irony at its best, considering what she and her staff have going on. Patti is in her late 40’s but dresses like she shops at Forever 21. Her “natural” lips get in the door 10 minutes before the rest of her does. She is also single so, how good can she really be? Her staff on the show consists of a stubby, bug-eyed, goth-ish guy with a gravity defying hair do. His girlfriend/wife/baby mama has violet colored sausage bangs and more often than not, sports a bandana do-rag. With all of that being said, Patti is spot on when giving her clients advice; she just rarely seems to make matches.

The last episode I saw they had their first plus size million-heiress. Being a fluffy chick myself, I was curious to see how she faired and let me just say, it was not pretty. Robin had a lot of things going for her and a lot of things working against her, least of all in my opinion, was her size. She owns her own successful business and is um, perky. Robin also has a Hello Kitty obsession, an almost entirely pink apartment and took one of her small dogs to get Botox...say what? In addition to all of this, she was drunk in the 3 out of 4 segments I saw her on and she has one of the scariest smiles I have ever seen. You know how a horse pulls up his/her lips when you are about to give them a carrot, and shows all of his/her gums and teeth? That is the best way I can explain her smile and she used it a lot…which would generally be a good thing but just got creepier as time progressed. So, Robin was looking for a “Jewish Matthew McConaughey”, no problem there, right? Patti picks some guys and has a mixer for this chick. Robin proceeds to drink wine through a straw, use her scary smile and picks 2 men for her “mini-dates”. She ends up picking the “hot” guy and not the dude who was clearly perfect for her and even seemed interested. When Patti asked Robin why she picked him she said, “Because he’s hot”. They go on a date, she gets tipsy and he proceeds to tell her he needs a backer for a business venture. During dinner Robin continues to tell this moron how hot he is and not only can she help him with money for a business, she will buy him a Maserati. It continues to go downhill when he tells her he’s really an asshole and she tells him she loves assholes. THEN, she tells him she wants to have sex with him and he asks for a hand job under the table…which she may or may not have been doing already. Robin thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread, Patti tells her she’s an idiot and Robin plans on going on more dates with Maserati Man.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because this bimbo is one french fry short of a happy meal. In my opinion the only reason she wants a hot guy is to make her feel better about herself. She passed up the one man that was perfect for her because she wanted a certain type of man. Robin did not care about anything other than superficial bs and that’s why she is still single.

Unbelievably great people come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors. If you don’t take your blinders off and step outside of your tiny box, you will be sipping wine through a straw with Robin.